Stobierski says: Mushmouth! I read on your Twitter a tweet about your love for language. Apparently you manage a life list of words you've used out in the wild. That really is commendable that you would attempt to ameliorate your lexical precision.

Mushmouth says: A meal you ate, what? Crispy pita chips with BLT dip! That's the last meal I ate. I don't know about any meal you ate.

Stobierski says: Ameliorate. Oh come now, surely anyone familiar with words like postlapsarian and predilection would know ameliorate. It means "to improve."

Mushmouth says: If it means "to improve," why not use improve?

Stobierski says: Because ameliorate is such a fantastic word!

Mushmouth says: It can't be that phantastic. It doesn't even start with a "P." I only like words that start with the letter "P." Like pizzicato, philately, phrenology, and portcullus. Those are all pretty phantastic! Have you ever seen philately before?

Stobierski says: No, I cannot recall having seen philately.

Mushmouth says: Me neither, I wonder what old Phil is up to!

Stobierski says: Good grief. I really should have known better.

Mushmouth says: Well, I'm off for my postprandial peripatetic exercise. Gotta burn off those BLT dips.

Mushmouth says: In the third part of our Ask a Puppet series, nobody asks: I've been visiting Puppetism religiously every day for four months and there hasn't been an update in all that time. Where are you guys? I miss you. Please come back and light up my life!

Stobierski says: Wait a second, did you say "nobody" asked about us? After four months, nobody missed us? Nobody called our mothers? Nobody visited the morgues and emergency rooms? Nobody sent us cryptic, unsigned letters with pictures of snowflakes pasted to the front pages and no return addresses?

Mushmouth says: Right. Nobody. So let's answer nobody's question. Where are we guys?

Stobierski says: Well, to put it succinctly, for the past four months we have been on the top of a high bookcase with a number of our associates: Winston, Kaerie, Tad and, um, that young lemur. What is his name?

Mushmouth says: I don't think he has a name. He's still got his tags and everything. And he's a sifaka. At least that's what his tag says. It's all I've had to read for the past four months. Sifaka this, sifaka that. It doesn't really go anywhere.

Stobierski says: Well, I must admit to being relatively fortunate since I could read all the books on the foreign languages shelf: French, German, Greek, Russian, Korean, Italian, Welsh, the Maya glyphs and all sorts of Japanese manuals. A treasure trove of linguistic inquiry.

Mushmouth says: Cool beans. What'd you learn?

Stobierski says: Nothing. I could see the titles, but the information within lay beyond my grasp. I did stare at the spines and imagine all the knowledge I might absorb, which is what I think most people do with such books. I pictured myself at a street cafe on the Rue de Something-or-Other discussing the viscera of artistic expression, or something like that, all in French. "But of course," I would say (in French.)

Mushmouth says: You know that Little Jimmy Dickens song, "A-Sleepin' at the Foot of the Bed?" That's what our predicament made me think about. Everybody piled together like that. That song kept poppin' in my head.

Stobierski says: Yes, and allow me add, I am so pleased you know all the words to that song and -- seemingly -- no other song in existence. The part about the nanny goat I especially like. There simply are not enough songs with the words "nanny goat" in them.

Mushmouth says: I can only think of three.

Stobierski says: Yes. Well, I believe that says everything. We were on a shelf. Being a puppet, one has one's "Jonah days," or in this instance, "Jonah months." It cannot be helped. We apologize for the long absence, but it was not our fault.

Mushmouth says: In the second installment of our Ask a Puppet series, unokhan asks: how can one tell a puppet from an entity? i meet creatures all day long at work and on the street and i can't tell if i am talking to a simulacrum with a hand inside or a being which is in itself its own thingness. does it matter? shed light pleez.

Stobierski says: A simulacrum with a hand inside? Pfsh! I suppose that's what unokhan thinks of puppets like us. Is that what I am? A simulacrum? Oh certainly, I couldn't possibly have my own thingness, now could I? I'm just a puppet. Why doesn't this unokhan just come out and say it, all puppets are kn... kn... I can't say it.

Mushmouth says: Knuckle-heads?

Stobierski says: Thanks, Mushmouth. I don't like to say the K-N-word, you know.

Mushmouth says: Yeah, Stobie-man, I know. But aren't you being a little harsh on unokhan? I mean, isn't this what Puppetism is all about? Confronting bigotry and misconceptions one brain-infested human at a time? Encouraging the skin-stuffers to grasp beyond their cultural indoctrination into the raw plushy matter inside?

Stobierski says: Is it?

Mushmouth says: Uh, I thought it was. Didn't we put that in our Mission Statement?

Stobierski says: We had a Statement of Vision, and a Core Values statement drafted, but I don't think we ever got around to ratifying them. We certainly never brought up a Mission Statement. Mission Statements don't come up until step seven in the "How to Start a Niche Liberal Watchdog Organization" plan.

Mushmouth says: I thought we had a Mission Statement. Maybe I dreamed it.

Stobierski says: That could be. You're always having strange dreams like that.

Mushmouth says: Hey, maybe I'm dreaming this conversation we're having? Right now.

Stobierski says: No.

Mushmouth says: Why not?

Stobierski says: You're not asleep.

Mushmouth says: That's true. Surprising, but true. So what were the Core Values we were debating? I didn't know we had any values.

Stobierski says: Honesty. Integrity. Free donuts for all committee members which is to be an equal distribution of plain glazed, chocolate-dipped chocolate with chocolate sprinkles, and some sort of goo-filled donut as long as it's not custard-filled... blueberry-filled if they have it.

Mushmouth says: That sounds great! Why didn't we ratify that!

Stobierski says: You wanted to issue a signing statement.

Mushmouth says: Hmm. Oh yeah. "Blueberry-filled should not be construed to mean a moist cake donut filled with blueberry pieces, whether artificial or natural, but only as a round powdered donut pumped full of a gelatinous blueberry-flavored substance."

Stobierski says: Yes, we're still researching if signing statements are pro forma constitutional legalities or something you just made up.

Mushmouth says: Maybe I dreamed them!

Stobierski says: Yes. So there you go unokhan, as I said earlier, you can tell the puppets are puppets by their special "Walt Disney's Carousel of Progress" lapel pins.

Mushmouth says: You never said that!

Stobierski says: Didn't I? I thought so. Right after the wizard descended from his flying saucer on the back of a giant white garden slug, screaming, "I want my cheese and crackers back you fellas!" Then I said, "You can tell the puppets by their Carousel of Progress lapel pins." Didn't I?

Mushmouth says: ...

Stobierski says: To begin our Ask a Puppet series, Juandie asks: Why did one ghost say to the other ghost?

Stobierski says: Ghosts, eh? Pure blubbery-mumbery. Ghosts indeed! Pshaw! Spooks and specters. Piffle.

Stobierski says: Why, I no more believe in ghosts than I do... sock monkeys. Why, I'd be more likely to utter the statement "cool jazz is cool indeed" than to bother with any notions of supernatural infestation from beyond the grave.

Stobierski says: But since you ask politely, I will turn the question over to our resident crackpo... ghost expert, Pete the pirate.

Pete says: Arr, ghosts be mighty arrful, me hardy. But ye canna be a pirate for long, arr, without collecting a few ghoulies. I believe the old syllogism she go like this: A. Plato were a man, don't ye know. B. Me dagger stuck in Plato's back. C. Arr, Plato's a'haunting me!

Pete says: But to get back to yer ponderer... Why did one ghost say to the other ghost? Arr, well that's to be 'spected, don't ye know. If not why then why not, and if not one ghostie, then a nuther. More than two ghoulies be too much to be wondering why as they wander widely about the world, arr.

Pete says: You put two specters together and they's always asking why, don't ye know. 'Cause they already knows the who, how, what and when of it. What be a what worth when a why be all ye want? When'll always be once, as in, "Once I were a who, and here be how I died, now all as I want to know be why?" Why, why, why? Arr. It be enough to makes ye wants to keel them all over again.

Stobierski says: Well, I hope that answers your question, Juandie. I really do.

Pete says: Arr. Why not join me in a flagon of ale, me matey?

Stobierski says: I just might do that, but only if you promise to pass out before I do.

Pete says: That be a deal, arr. It be almost a sure thing.

Stobierski says: The Stobierski Method is the most effective language training system ever devised by sentient beings. After just a few lessons you will have an almost universal grasp of the language, grammar and customs of the culture you are studying. After completing the course you will be accepted by any native countryman as one of their own, and may even find yourself ruling a small Eurasian kingdom if any are available.

Stobierski says: What makes this technique so effective is the fact that the inventor of the Stobierski Method wears a red bow tie. Long ago Mr. Stobierski discovered that red bow ties exude a faint nimbus of intellectual authority which can convince anyone that they are learning.

Stobierski says: Now you're ready to begin Part 1 of Stobierski's How to Speak Babbling Lunatic.

Stobierski says: You are in a quiet cafe and wish to introduce yourself to a young woman who is seated nearby picking flies from an imaginary goat. You make eye contact with her goat and say:

Snout says: Little thought in my fire brains, boy.

Stobierski says: This means, Good evening, is this seat taken? Let's hear how the young lady responds.

Mushmouth says: Why do I have to be the young lady?

Stobierski says: Because you're the most fluent in babbling lunatic, Mushmouth. Now, respond!

Mushmouth says: Okay, okay! ahem My hat belongs to Christmas crinkles. And it does, too.

Stobierski says: Let's hear that again. This time, just the words for, No sir.

Mushmouth says: My hat.

Stobierski says: How do you say, No sir, in Babbling Lunatic?

Snout says: My hat.

Stobierski says: And the young lady's complete response?

Mushmouth says: My hat belongs to Christmas crinkles. And it does, too.

Stobierski says: This means, No sir. Please, have a seat. Join me and my goat for a drink. Let's hear how you would say, Thank you.

Snout says: Fizz and ginger.

Stobierski says: Good! Now let's hear that entire conversation again.

Snout says: Little thought in my fire brains, boy.

Mushmouth says: My hat belongs to Christmas crinkles. And it does, too.

Snout says: Fizz and ginger.

Stobierski says: That's all there is to it. Now you're ready for your first conversation in Babbling Lunatic. Once you've mastered the concepts in this lesson, move on to Lesson 2, How to Propose an Arrangement of Marriage to Your Future Bride's Family. Here's a preview.

Snout says: Her eyes, her eyes are... all light, light, argh! Burning!

Snout says: A long time ago I decided I don't like being liked.

Snout says: Somebody likes me, then what? I need to go on being likable. Because if I do something they don't like, they might stop liking me. Say the wrong thing at the wrong time and I'm left wondering, "Does so-and-so still like me?" It's a basket full of self-doubt I can do without.

Snout says: Better to put the shoe on the other foot. If people don't like me, maybe even hate me, and I suddenly impress them, then they're like, "Maybe this pig is okay."

Snout says: Then they're left wondering how well they know anybody. They thought I was the illegitimate grandchild of some infamous dictator, but then they find out I haul mercury-tainted fluorescent bulbs 150 miles to the nearest recycler for a local community group (let's say.) What then? How they can trust any of their judgments or pronouncements?

Snout says: And I can go on being me. Unlikable except in rare moments of decency.

Mushmouth says: Hey, Snout. You know what, I used to not like you much. But I don't not like you any more. You're an okay pig.

Snout says: What a coincidence, I didn't like you either, Mushmouth.

Mushmouth says: But you like me now that you're used to me, right?

Snout says: No, I think I just got used to not liking you. It's not so unpleasant a feeling anymore.

Stobierski says: Oh dear! Puppetism is live! What do I say? What do I say? I don't want to come off as a fool. There's nothing worse than a fool with a bow tie, and believe me, there are plenty of those.

Mushmouth says: Don't sweat it, Stobierski. Nobody cares what you say so long as you're cute and furry.

Stobierski says: That's easy for you to say; you don't have a bow tie!

Stobierski says: I knew to expect this. Employed for days assembling this blog, only to find out there's nothing worthwhile to say. This is awful.

Stobierski says: At least I didn't invent the Internet though. That would suck. Put together this nifty system to encourage the free flow and exchange of ideas, and what to you end up with?

Mushmouth says: Blogging puppets!

Stobierski says: Yes. No! I mean, yes, but no that's not where my thoughts were tending. Just junk. Tons of junk. Maybe thoughts weren't meant to flow so freely, you know? Most of our thoughts are better off in our heads where they can die quiet deaths. Instead we dump the junk online, feed off of it and spit it back out. The Internet is one huge dung heap.

Mushmouth says: You realize you just insulted the Internet right to its face? Who do you think is reading this? The Internet junkies, that's who.

Stobierski says: Oh! Sorry junkies. I mean, my apologies o aficionados. I was just spewing refuse, I mean... oh! Quit looking at my bow tie.

Stobierski says: Welcome to Puppetism. If you are wondering what puppetism is, know this: You are not alone. Even Wikipedia is totally clueless. Look at their mighty List of Isms. No puppetism. Which is good. Otherwise this domain name would have been beyond reach.

Stobierski says: My name is Stobierski. You may know me from The Panoramic Imprint as a semi-regular guest blogger. I am a puppet. And I have a bow tie which qualifies me as an IT specialist.

Stobierski says: So, I am preparing this website. There's a lot to do. Puppetism is a blog written by puppets for the general public. Right now Puppetism has lined up three authors who will write regular entries: me and my friends, Mushmouth and Snout. We won't necessarily write about puppets, but being puppets, our puppetness will obviously surface from time to time.

Stobierski says: Well, I must get back to work. Currently I'm attempting to set up automated avatars and speech bubbles as used in the puppet section at PanImp. That blog uses Movable Type and this blog uses WordPress; one is written in Perl, the other PHP. So I'll have to convert the bubble speech macro into a WordPress text filter... but don't worry, I do have a bow tie.