Mushmouth says: In the third part of our Ask a Puppet series, nobody asks: I've been visiting Puppetism religiously every day for four months and there hasn't been an update in all that time. Where are you guys? I miss you. Please come back and light up my life!

Stobierski says: Wait a second, did you say "nobody" asked about us? After four months, nobody missed us? Nobody called our mothers? Nobody visited the morgues and emergency rooms? Nobody sent us cryptic, unsigned letters with pictures of snowflakes pasted to the front pages and no return addresses?

Mushmouth says: Right. Nobody. So let's answer nobody's question. Where are we guys?

Stobierski says: Well, to put it succinctly, for the past four months we have been on the top of a high bookcase with a number of our associates: Winston, Kaerie, Tad and, um, that young lemur. What is his name?

Mushmouth says: I don't think he has a name. He's still got his tags and everything. And he's a sifaka. At least that's what his tag says. It's all I've had to read for the past four months. Sifaka this, sifaka that. It doesn't really go anywhere.

Stobierski says: Well, I must admit to being relatively fortunate since I could read all the books on the foreign languages shelf: French, German, Greek, Russian, Korean, Italian, Welsh, the Maya glyphs and all sorts of Japanese manuals. A treasure trove of linguistic inquiry.

Mushmouth says: Cool beans. What'd you learn?

Stobierski says: Nothing. I could see the titles, but the information within lay beyond my grasp. I did stare at the spines and imagine all the knowledge I might absorb, which is what I think most people do with such books. I pictured myself at a street cafe on the Rue de Something-or-Other discussing the viscera of artistic expression, or something like that, all in French. "But of course," I would say (in French.)

Mushmouth says: You know that Little Jimmy Dickens song, "A-Sleepin' at the Foot of the Bed?" That's what our predicament made me think about. Everybody piled together like that. That song kept poppin' in my head.

Stobierski says: Yes, and allow me add, I am so pleased you know all the words to that song and -- seemingly -- no other song in existence. The part about the nanny goat I especially like. There simply are not enough songs with the words "nanny goat" in them.

Mushmouth says: I can only think of three.

Stobierski says: Yes. Well, I believe that says everything. We were on a shelf. Being a puppet, one has one's "Jonah days," or in this instance, "Jonah months." It cannot be helped. We apologize for the long absence, but it was not our fault.

Mushmouth says: In the second installment of our Ask a Puppet series, unokhan asks: how can one tell a puppet from an entity? i meet creatures all day long at work and on the street and i can't tell if i am talking to a simulacrum with a hand inside or a being which is in itself its own thingness. does it matter? shed light pleez.

Stobierski says: A simulacrum with a hand inside? Pfsh! I suppose that's what unokhan thinks of puppets like us. Is that what I am? A simulacrum? Oh certainly, I couldn't possibly have my own thingness, now could I? I'm just a puppet. Why doesn't this unokhan just come out and say it, all puppets are kn... kn... I can't say it.

Mushmouth says: Knuckle-heads?

Stobierski says: Thanks, Mushmouth. I don't like to say the K-N-word, you know.

Mushmouth says: Yeah, Stobie-man, I know. But aren't you being a little harsh on unokhan? I mean, isn't this what Puppetism is all about? Confronting bigotry and misconceptions one brain-infested human at a time? Encouraging the skin-stuffers to grasp beyond their cultural indoctrination into the raw plushy matter inside?

Stobierski says: Is it?

Mushmouth says: Uh, I thought it was. Didn't we put that in our Mission Statement?

Stobierski says: We had a Statement of Vision, and a Core Values statement drafted, but I don't think we ever got around to ratifying them. We certainly never brought up a Mission Statement. Mission Statements don't come up until step seven in the "How to Start a Niche Liberal Watchdog Organization" plan.

Mushmouth says: I thought we had a Mission Statement. Maybe I dreamed it.

Stobierski says: That could be. You're always having strange dreams like that.

Mushmouth says: Hey, maybe I'm dreaming this conversation we're having? Right now.

Stobierski says: No.

Mushmouth says: Why not?

Stobierski says: You're not asleep.

Mushmouth says: That's true. Surprising, but true. So what were the Core Values we were debating? I didn't know we had any values.

Stobierski says: Honesty. Integrity. Free donuts for all committee members which is to be an equal distribution of plain glazed, chocolate-dipped chocolate with chocolate sprinkles, and some sort of goo-filled donut as long as it's not custard-filled... blueberry-filled if they have it.

Mushmouth says: That sounds great! Why didn't we ratify that!

Stobierski says: You wanted to issue a signing statement.

Mushmouth says: Hmm. Oh yeah. "Blueberry-filled should not be construed to mean a moist cake donut filled with blueberry pieces, whether artificial or natural, but only as a round powdered donut pumped full of a gelatinous blueberry-flavored substance."

Stobierski says: Yes, we're still researching if signing statements are pro forma constitutional legalities or something you just made up.

Mushmouth says: Maybe I dreamed them!

Stobierski says: Yes. So there you go unokhan, as I said earlier, you can tell the puppets are puppets by their special "Walt Disney's Carousel of Progress" lapel pins.

Mushmouth says: You never said that!

Stobierski says: Didn't I? I thought so. Right after the wizard descended from his flying saucer on the back of a giant white garden slug, screaming, "I want my cheese and crackers back you fellas!" Then I said, "You can tell the puppets by their Carousel of Progress lapel pins." Didn't I?

Mushmouth says: ...

Stobierski says: To begin our Ask a Puppet series, Juandie asks: Why did one ghost say to the other ghost?

Stobierski says: Ghosts, eh? Pure blubbery-mumbery. Ghosts indeed! Pshaw! Spooks and specters. Piffle.

Stobierski says: Why, I no more believe in ghosts than I do... sock monkeys. Why, I'd be more likely to utter the statement "cool jazz is cool indeed" than to bother with any notions of supernatural infestation from beyond the grave.

Stobierski says: But since you ask politely, I will turn the question over to our resident crackpo... ghost expert, Pete the pirate.

Pete says: Arr, ghosts be mighty arrful, me hardy. But ye canna be a pirate for long, arr, without collecting a few ghoulies. I believe the old syllogism she go like this: A. Plato were a man, don't ye know. B. Me dagger stuck in Plato's back. C. Arr, Plato's a'haunting me!

Pete says: But to get back to yer ponderer... Why did one ghost say to the other ghost? Arr, well that's to be 'spected, don't ye know. If not why then why not, and if not one ghostie, then a nuther. More than two ghoulies be too much to be wondering why as they wander widely about the world, arr.

Pete says: You put two specters together and they's always asking why, don't ye know. 'Cause they already knows the who, how, what and when of it. What be a what worth when a why be all ye want? When'll always be once, as in, "Once I were a who, and here be how I died, now all as I want to know be why?" Why, why, why? Arr. It be enough to makes ye wants to keel them all over again.

Stobierski says: Well, I hope that answers your question, Juandie. I really do.

Pete says: Arr. Why not join me in a flagon of ale, me matey?

Stobierski says: I just might do that, but only if you promise to pass out before I do.

Pete says: That be a deal, arr. It be almost a sure thing.

Stobierski says: The Stobierski Method is the most effective language training system ever devised by sentient beings. After just a few lessons you will have an almost universal grasp of the language, grammar and customs of the culture you are studying. After completing the course you will be accepted by any native countryman as one of their own, and may even find yourself ruling a small Eurasian kingdom if any are available.

Stobierski says: What makes this technique so effective is the fact that the inventor of the Stobierski Method wears a red bow tie. Long ago Mr. Stobierski discovered that red bow ties exude a faint nimbus of intellectual authority which can convince anyone that they are learning.

Stobierski says: Now you're ready to begin Part 1 of Stobierski's How to Speak Babbling Lunatic.

Stobierski says: You are in a quiet cafe and wish to introduce yourself to a young woman who is seated nearby picking flies from an imaginary goat. You make eye contact with her goat and say:

Snout says: Little thought in my fire brains, boy.

Stobierski says: This means, Good evening, is this seat taken? Let's hear how the young lady responds.

Mushmouth says: Why do I have to be the young lady?

Stobierski says: Because you're the most fluent in babbling lunatic, Mushmouth. Now, respond!

Mushmouth says: Okay, okay! ahem My hat belongs to Christmas crinkles. And it does, too.

Stobierski says: Let's hear that again. This time, just the words for, No sir.

Mushmouth says: My hat.

Stobierski says: How do you say, No sir, in Babbling Lunatic?

Snout says: