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Stobierski says: |
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The Stobierski Method is the most effective language training system ever devised by sentient beings. After just a few lessons you will have an almost universal grasp of the language, grammar and customs of the culture you are studying. After completing the course you will be accepted by any native countryman as one of their own, and may even find yourself ruling a small Eurasian kingdom if any are available. |
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Stobierski says: |
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What makes this technique so effective is the fact that the inventor of the Stobierski Method wears a red bow tie. Long ago Mr. Stobierski discovered that red bow ties exude a faint nimbus of intellectual authority which can convince anyone that they are learning. |
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Stobierski says: |
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Now you're ready to begin Part 1 of Stobierski's How to Speak Babbling Lunatic. |
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Stobierski says: |
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You are in a quiet cafe and wish to introduce yourself to a young woman who is seated nearby picking flies from an imaginary goat. You make eye contact with her goat and say: |
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Snout says: |
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Little thought in my fire brains, boy. |
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Stobierski says: |
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This means, Good evening, is this seat taken? Let's hear how the young lady responds. |
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Mushmouth says: |
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Why do I have to be the young lady? |
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Stobierski says: |
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Because you're the most fluent in babbling lunatic, Mushmouth. Now, respond! |
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Mushmouth says: |
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Okay, okay! ahem My hat belongs to Christmas crinkles. And it does, too. |
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Stobierski says: |
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Let's hear that again. This time, just the words for, No sir. |
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Stobierski says: |
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How do you say, No sir, in Babbling Lunatic? |
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Stobierski says: |
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And the young lady's complete response? |
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Mushmouth says: |
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My hat belongs to Christmas crinkles. And it does, too. |
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Stobierski says: |
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This means, No sir. Please, have a seat. Join me and my goat for a drink. Let's hear how you would say, Thank you. |
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Snout says: |
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Fizz and ginger. |
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Stobierski says: |
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Good! Now let's hear that entire conversation again. |
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Snout says: |
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Little thought in my fire brains, boy. |
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Mushmouth says: |
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My hat belongs to Christmas crinkles. And it does, too. |
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Snout says: |
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Fizz and ginger. |
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Stobierski says: |
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That's all there is to it. Now you're ready for your first conversation in Babbling Lunatic. Once you've mastered the concepts in this lesson, move on to Lesson 2, How to Propose an Arrangement of Marriage to Your Future Bride's Family. Here's a preview. |
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Snout says: |
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Her eyes, her eyes are... all light, light, argh! Burning! |
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This entry was posted
on Monday, August 13th, 2007 at 5:33 pm and is filed under Uncategorizable, Posts. You can feed this entry.
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“Her eyes are a blue million miles”
oneken
August 15th, 2007
at 5:45 pm
Stobierski
August 16th, 2007
at 7:03 pm
Splendid! Only one lesson and already you’re fluent. This only proves the efficaciousness of the Stobierski Method, hands down the cheapest, easiest, and yet most effective training method available. Could it be any simpler?
Stobierski should be the question and comment coach for Miss Teen South Carolina
mikewaugh
August 29th, 2007
at 8:54 pm
Stobierski
August 30th, 2007
at 12:37 pm
Ah! Miss Teen South Carolina does have a few things to learn, but her heart is in the right place. Fortunately I do have a unit on Policy Speak: How to Voice an Opinion without Voicing an Opinion.
As you know, opinions can be controversial. In any sort of public policy debate, a good strategy is something I call the Drunken Monkey technique. If you’d like to see it in action, I suggest you buy me a few drinks. But here’s a short introduction.
Visualize your tongue picking its way through a minefield. One step forward, three steps backward, turn left, bend right. Hop, skip and jump. Fall to your rump. Roll to your side. Sweep your legs around and pick yourself up as you stumble backwards to the other side of the minefield. Voila!
That’s where Miss Teen SC went wrong. Policy Speak must follow a logical strand which no one else could possibly follow, but it does need to lead to safety. She found herself, after thirty seconds, still standing in the rice paddy with a restless herd of water buffalo.